On dealing will unfavourable circumstances.

So less than a year since my post about how against cutting weight I am, I agreed to take a fight where I would have to cut weight...
I managed it quite well following a legit program I'd seen work for others. When it came to the sweating part, I had less than half a kilo to loose! Nothing at all really.
So I get myself in a hot bath and think a couple 10 minute stints will be more than enough to see me to the finish line.
However I drop my phone in the water which means I can't time my session.
So I reason (stupidly) I'll just wait 'until I've got a good old dab on and call it a day.

When I felt this point had arrived and i got out, the day took a turn for the worse. I was barely in the next room before I felt completely out of it. My vision was going, I was very dizzy and so laid on the bed for a while.
I didn't want to be found naked and spread eagled by my dear mother though, so after a minute I valiantly rose to find a dry towel. I made to my brothers bedroom before finally loosing consciousness. I awoke on the floor a moment later and immediately felt that my two upper incisors, were missing.... Oh dear...

Yes I had feinted and smashed my teeth out on the end of my brothers bed.

My impatience proved my demise as I got up too quick from a hot bath.

Now we don't know whether I'll be able to keep a gum shield in without pain tomorrow.

I feel fully alert and refuelled.
Adversity has reared its head yet again before a fight but I choose not to surrender until the last.

I've worked very hard for this and need to at least try.

I see this as an exercise in fighting through adversity against unfavourable circumstances. This episode will serve as a teacher
I will learn to trust others to help when I need it and not see this as weakness.
I will learn patience.
I will learn to trust my self.
I will learn that I can bring my game in spite of what some see as a set back.
If all goes well tomorrow I'm really no worse off in the grand scheme of things.

I have felt bitterness at times throughout today and resentment towards the path I've chosen, however the fact remains I'll be dead one day and so rising to the challenge ahead with a warrior's heart, and a strong roar as I do battle can never be a mistake. I sometimes question whether I'm deluding myself, and this is ridiculous, I also think maybe it's not as bad as  it seems and I'm making mountain of a mole hill. Either way ill move in the direction of my goals with all the physical and phsycic vigour I can muster and be content with how the universe responds.

Even as i write this sentiment, a small thorn of accusation prods at my side, allegations of self doubt creep around my brain....why should I look to surrender control of the situation to the universe? Isn't that the same as saying, 'Well, it's out of my hands now'. As if I'm seeking a way to rid myself of responsibility in the event of failure.

I must stand firm and reason that I have done all I can in preparation and so now in a way; my response to the high stress situation that awaits this time tommow night is already 'programmed' (so to say) in my physiology.

The mental rollercoaster that we combatants ride is quite intriguing to observe. And perhaps this piece is just my way, out of the thousands of ways fighters choose, to deal with it. As I've said before my dear reader I write as much for me as I do for you! But if anyone reads this and finds it at all resourceful then I feel I've sent something good out to the universe...

Peace and love x

A word on real cardio.

There is a point in a workout where your body is calm in the knowledge of the hard work you are doing. A blissful state where trouble and doubt fade away, leaving only your harsh breath, the beat beat beat of your heart and the thud thud thud of your feet as you move.

This state is described as the runner's high. Though it is not exclusive to running as the form of exertion. (The thud thud of you pounding the road could be replaced with the rattle clink rattle as you attempt to kick the heavy bag through the wall). Many think that it is the holy grail of cardio states and you know you've worked hard if you experience it. And you have.
However, there is a deeper level than this.

When you go beyond this meditative state, the body does not take as kindly to your efforts.
It takes a lot to achieve the runners high state but going beyond it requires a reckless abandon of your biologically programmed 'conservation' approach to the workout. This must be exchanged for the attitude of being ready to die.

Indeed, the state of exertion past runners high is painful. It is stressful, and characterised by tears and a grimace, and cries and grunts, and snarls. It is an ugly state and reduces one to something not quite human. Something more base, primal. All that matters is the pace, the  work. You are unintelligible in this state. All you care about is breathing. The body is in a state of panic and begs for conservation of energy. For recovery. For a few seconds to greedily gulp air. But your grit and pure will must overpower the programming. At this point, performance is almost 100% mental. And the question is not how fit you are, it's how fit you believe yourself to be. Or even simply, how badly you want to a achieve your goal. You vocally snarl through each shot you hit the bag with. Each rep. Each tuck jump. Each press up. And along with this torrent of animalistic growls comes frothy spit not unlike that of a savage ferrel dog ready to devour the next animal it sees. In short you are not only ready to die in such a state, you are quite ready to kill as well.
....................................................................................

It is as the dust settles down after such an experience that you reach a knowing calm. Because you know you reached another level. A new depth to your gas tank that has previously remained untapped.

The dreadful pain haunts your thoughts now and then. As you recuperate. But you are more than willing to go through it because you know your opponent is not. Every time you wonder... 'how hard is he working?'

Over the following days the body aches and groans at the abuse you have put it through. But you inevitably recover. And not only do you recover but you grow stronger, physically and mentally. Finally you wake up a week later ready to go to war again.

This is not an experience had by hobbyists. You can get very fit by tracking performance and incrementally improving. But can never develop an unwavering, enemy-slaying willpower.
And such an attribute is arguably essential to those of a violent, martial inclination.

Peace x

Why is dying so bad?

During my surfings of the various internet communities I'm connected to; I find increasingly frequent posts relating to longevity and prolonging life. Many headlines tout the click bait of "Vegan lives to 205 years old"
Or "70 year old wins body building competition".

But here is my question: what's so bad about dying? Even in the technology spheres I frequent we babble about the life-prolonging abilities future technologies will bring. But why must we always endeavour to carry on?. What's wrong with the storey coming to an end and leaving this dimension contently?

Religions all whisper (and some shout) of an after life. Where consciousness carries on and your identity means something.

The health service seeks to keep the elderly and ill alive for couple more years. When really the patients are taking longer to die; we applaud their valient struggle to cling to this life. (Of course the will to live is hardwired into our biology). But the culture still has that attitude of the 84 year old taking 5 days to die instead of 1 is good. Or they pretend keeping them alive with machinery is any sort of existence.

Can we just surrender into rest peacefully?
Man's fear of death is very irrational. It is a phobia. Death of family and friends is some morbid issue that we tiptoe around.

Fear of pain is completely normal I understand that. But death is like a sigh of relief. I see it akin to the feeling when you lie in bed exhausted and relish the sleep you are about to get. You relish that freedom to switch off and not worry about anything.

So why don't others see death like this?

I contend that if you are afraid of dying it is because you have not lived a life true to your potential and aspirations.

Then when your time is up and the universe says
" It's time to make room for another now sir!"....
You stammer and stutter with regret and plead...
"Just a while longer! I never got to X, Y, or Z".

And this is harsh I know. I am aware that there are circumstances and bad people who bring about the untimely death of others but if their lives were lived properly up to that moment, then it's not such a gigantic tragedy.

What is 'properly' living your life? Only you know dear reader. But to find out can you copy 50 cent's words and say
'If I die today, I'm happy how my life turned out'.

If not, perhaps it's time to make some changes. Lest your time runs out.

A close friend of mine died at 21. And though we were heartbroken he wouldn't be around any more. He was one of the wildest men any of us knew. And I thought he's squeezed more out of his 21 years than most will suck out of 70. Thats a proper way to live.

Angry and powerless? Is alright, you'll be dead soon enough!

Anger and a dull background of resigned loathing has become all too regular in my life.

I can identify and reel off ten substantial problems in my life but haven't one practicable solution to any of them. I often consider ending it all. Not because my life is so horrible, a lot of the time I feel good, i am a jovial person; its just that the highs for me aren't really enough to warrant the lows. Like the pay-off  for the hard work I invest just isn't enough. So fairly often I consider, wistfully, the fact that at any given point I can check out of the game. And in moments of rage and anger it calms me down to remember none of it matters because we are all going to die eventually, thank fuck.

Here's to the inevitability of death, may it calm us when we get too worked up in this pointless existence.